Thoughts

“How have you changed in the past 3 years?”

Hello! I’ve decided to blog every day for the whole of December. Gonna choose random topics (cause i’m just random like that) each day according to what I feel like talking about.

So today, it’s the question: “How have you changed in the past 3 years?”

3 years ago, I was really emo and intensively upset because of a breakup with my ex-boyfriend (who was also my first love) 😥 At that time we were still in a blurry undefined friendship~relationship crossover, and it’s what kept me going through the initial breakup period. I didn’t mind being led along as I was just happy to be able to meet up and hang out with him and stuff after suddenly having a physical/mental break for 3 months. But we were still acting like a couple…and that continued on and off for like 1-2 years lol. It was like I was addicted to him and it took me a long long long looong time to decide, for real, that I was gonna love myself and that he wasn’t the same person I fell in love with anymore (i had those confident-that-i-could-finally-get-over-him phases every few months). Eventually, I finally did get over him. I’m not sure exactly how…maybe it was from an accumulation of all my past effort, but one day I just realized how differently I felt…I felt completely free again. And it was the greatest feeling ever.

After the breakup I was really negative, kept to myself a lot and constantly felt pretty insecure. But I slowly forced myself to join various activities like summer programmes, camp committees, volunteering, clubs and societies and picked up various hobbies which allowed me to meet new people, make new friends, and widen my world beyond him. I even travelled solo to Japan despite it being my first time going there (also my first time travelling solo). It was all quite eye-opening and every little thing made tiny contributions to who I am now. I’m constantly looking to try out new things (cause there’s so many things in the world to do which I haven’t done yet) and join various initiatives with aims to help people. One thing about doing all these is I easily drop some activities if I find them to be not worth the money or time, or it wasn’t what I expected it to be. I still wouldn’t regret having tried it out though, as it’d have brought me a new perspective. Also, I don’t have a mastery of anything I’ve tried as of now because I do them only intermittently. 😦

I believe I’ve become slightly more able to speak to new people now (although at times I just don’t feel like talking or engaging to people and go back to energy-saving mode lol). I find that the principle of reciprocation really helps. If I’m genuine towards the person, he/she would usually be genuine back. And that’s my favourite way of making friends…cause I can’t really deal with people who put up a front. I mean, I guess putting up a front in a polite way to make a good first impression on the person is well-intentioned, but…I think there comes a point where it becomes unnecessary and impeding to continue putting on a mask (in terms of friendship-building). I haven’t really met people like that actually…maybe only in corporate places, which is why I kind of dread the day I graduate (which is in 5 months) and go into the working world 😥 I’m sure not every place is like that, so I rly hope I am good/deserving enough to get into a place with a genuinely kind environment *. *

I’ve also become a *lot* more positive, especially in the past 6 months. I’ve never felt so satisfied/grateful/motivated internally before, and I hope it stays that way. It’s getting late, and it’ll be a pretty long story, so I guess i’ll write about how I got to this smiley point another time! Good night!

 

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