Honestly I have so many thoughts all messy and jumbled up in my mind now and I’m supposed to sleep but my brain is in too much of a frenzy for me to feel comfortable shutting all this down. Which is why I decided to open my wordpress app and start transferring my incomprehensible thoughts into this blank space.
I recently found out that a junior college classmate of mine only has a few weeks left to live. I visited him at the hospital just this evening along with some of my classmates. I’m not close to him, and we barely even talked during our 2 years as classmates, but it’s shocking to see a happy go lucky guy my age suddenly struggling in a fight against death.
I can’t imagine all the things he would have wanted to do with the rest of his life being left undone, and all the people with which he wished to spend the rest of his life with, which perhaps is why he is still fighting.
And these encounters with death make me question my life with a different perspective, in a period when I’m starting a new phase of my life soon (becoming a working adult)…what do I really want to do with it? Is the current path I’m going on worth the short time I have on this earth? Am I satisfied with where I am now? Should I continue this way? And…I want to do something meaningful in life, but what, really, is meaningful to me?
These are questions I haven’t found the answers to yet. I’m pretty sure there are people who have not found them even towards the end of their lives, and people who have already found them early on. As for me, I’m glad I posed these questions to myself, even though I may not(maybe never?) find the right answers to them.
I’m not a religious person, but it’s during scary, unstable, death-dealing times like these that having a religion helps. A few months ago, I went through such a time too, and mitch sent me the serenity prayer, which did help bring some calm and clarity to me (even if I’m not religious).
Here is the short version:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Sometimes when we cannot change an external situation no matter how hard we try to reach out, it’s important to turn inwards and change ourselves to prepare for the situation.
PS: random but I ate dinner twice today – one at 5.30pm and another at 9.30pm, both very high calorie, unhealthy and filling meals. Sorry to my body but occasionally we need such fuel to keep ourselves going ‘- ‘